The Lone Ranger

Hi! Ho! Silver. Away!

The Lone Ranger was riding along with Tonto along the lonesome trail, looking for any spots of bovver to sort out. They trekked for days, weeks, and began to run pretty low on food rations.

Then one day, they spotted old Jonas, the gold prospector, resting in the shade of a giant cactus. Jonas was from northern Europe, not brilliant at English, but communication was possible if spoken slo-o-owly enough. "We, are, lost." said the Lone Ranger. "Is, there, some---place a---round here, where we-ee, can get, some---thing, to eat?"

"Vell," said Jonas, "I vud for sure NOT follow zat stream down za gorge. I hearing zat zaar is a bad bacon tree down zaar."

"A bacon tree?" asked Tonto.

"Ja! A bacon tree." confirmed the old-timer.

The Lone Ranger said nothing for a while. Could the desert heat have driven this man insane, was it the 40 years he'd spent panning the silt to fulfill his golden dream, was it... Ah! Yes! Of course! thought our masked hero. Jonas has found GOLD downstream, and he's telling us not to go there because he wants to keep it for himself. "A bacon tree" said the Lone Ranger. "Well Tonto," he said with a wink "we certainly don't want bacon, because we are not hungry at all."

Tonto was by this time completely befuddled. Here was Jonas talking about a bad bacon tree, and his Kemo Sabe, the Lone Ranger no less, saying they were not hungry. This was making no sense at all. "Come on, Tonto" said the Lone Ranger, "let's be on our way."

They trotted out of sight from Jonas, and then the Lone Ranger said "OK Tonto, let's go downstream and get the gold!" So off they galloped. "Hi! Ho! Silver; away-y-y-y-y!"

Less than a mile downstream, they stopped dead in their tracks. For from the top of the gorge, dozens of bandits began shooting. Our heroic duo made a hasty retreat and dashed back to Jonas.

"Jonas!" shouted the Lone Ranger, "There's a gang of bandits downstream. Are they protecting your gold? And what did you mean about a 'bacon tree' anyway?"

"Shucks! Did I say bacon tree?" asked Jonas. "Sorry, I getting old and vergeet my English. I meant to say, ham bush.”

Addendum for those who watched the Lone Ranger TV series in the 1950s and 1960s

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